It has been a while now, hasn't it?

So in the sporadic moment and in the heat of the moment, I decided that I needed some sort of outlet and something to 'jot down' what's on my mind. Healthy, no?

Let's begin...

This year has been quite eventful.

Here's the gist: 

• I got into a relationship with a guy who has taught me a lot about myself. I got a glimpse of what real love is and how it felt to be loved by someone for who I am and how to love that someone back. It taught me a lot about what I look for in a partner and what I want out of a relationship. Unfortunately, the relationship has since been ended and a mutual agreement that the fact that it is long distance is too much of an obstacle for us to hurdle through.
• I have decided to mingle among the gay culture of Toronto a little bit and 'fooled around' if you will. I have experimented and found what satisfies my sexual needs in a sense. It lasted for a few months until it lost it's sheen and excitement after finally realizing the fact that everyone out there is just for their own beneficial reasons.
• I have developed a more social approach in terms of my entertainment. I go out much more, I find it easier to socialize with strangers, I fostered my sense of curiosity when I go out where it will result in me trying new things.
• No job as of yet. It has been a struggle.
• Have since met a new guy and we've been dating. Nothing official. Has been quite the roller coaster in that he is very blunt and pushes me to try to be a better person. I suppose it's his way of caring and wanting me to be happy because in the end, I am "responsible for my own happiness." True. Very true.

Right at this moment, I feel like shit. I'm finding it hard to find happiness within the things I do. Is it a sign of depression again? Will I get out of this abyss? 

I have no idea.

All that keeps running in my mind right now is: "I don't know..." Over and over again. I feel that I have lost my way again. What is the cause of this? The snow? The winter? Something in my brain? Have I fallen deep within my own failure that regret is perpetuating my feeling of, well, sad?

I can say that I regret this and regret that, or that I wish this or wish that, but how is that realistic? 

I need a game plan. I need a game changer. Self motivation and pro-activation. Something to just smack my back and project me forward. 

It's okay, Mark. It'll get better.